Kids’ big emotional reactions are not always just “bad behavior.” From a CBT perspective, it is important to look at the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs underneath the behavior. Sometimes yelling, crying, stomping, or becoming clingy can be a child’s way of showing that they feel hurt, scared, rejected, or overwhelmed. 

In this case example, the child has a history of night terrors, bad dreams, emotional dysregulation, anger, inconsolable crying, and difficulty tolerating demands. The child has also recently experienced the loss of close family members, which may be contributing to grief and stronger emotional reactions. One core belief that seems to show up is: “I’m not loved unless I get attention.” 

This belief can make normal situations feel much more painful. For example, when a caregiver goes out for a few hours, the child may think, “They don’t love me.” That thought may lead to sadness, anxiety, insecurity, repeated phone calls, clinginess, or statements like, “You don’t love me.” When the child is told no, such as not getting a snack at the store, they may think, “I never get what I want,” which can lead to anger, stomping, yelling, or arguing. 

Another example may be when the child sees a peer receive more recognition or attention. The child may think, “That should have been me” or “That’s not fair.” Underneath that, the deeper meaning may be, “I’m only important if I win.” This can bring up jealousy, disappointment, anger, and sadness, which may lead the child to pout or withdraw. 

Overall, CBT helps us understand that the child’s behaviors are connected to deeper fears about love, attention, and feeling important. The goal is not only to reduce the behavior, but to help the child recognize their feelings, challenge unhelpful thoughts, and learn healthier ways to cope. 

Caregivers can support the child by setting clear limits while also giving reassurance. For example, they might say, “I know this feels really hard, but being told no does not mean I don’t care about you.” Over time, this can help the child learn that they are still loved, even when they do not get exactly what they want or when someone else receives attention. 

By Gabriella Chindemi, Quintessential Health Doctoral Extern